"Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."(Eph 4:31-32)
I have just started to realize how deeply bitter I am about circumstances surrounding Matthew's death. Bitterness is so harmful.. it eats at you. I have carried this anger and hurt for 9 years. Finally, in May I wrote a letter to the funeral home that caused me so much pain. The person who I dealt with is now deceased and they were the cause. So, I can not blame the funeral home. Nevertheless, the words still needed to be said. Maybe it will help them from becoming cold, and saying hurtful things like this person did. I know this person had no clue that they were being hurtful, but the pain was so sharp. Things like "yeah, well some of them parents of them preemies want to bury their babies. They don't even have to...they can just get rid if them at the hospital." Then, when we were picking out the casket, "This one's basically like a Styrofoam cooler. But, we seal it up real good to keep water and stuff out. There is a nice silk pillow". Since then, I feel like I am going to get sick every time I see a Styrofoam cooler. Then, for the one that was the biggest punch in the gut, standing in the cemetery right before the service "Oh, I forgot to tell you...you will want to give the gravediggers something. They dug it by hand...since he was so small and they left room for his brother right above him." Thanks. Just what I want to hear right before we bury our son. Need I also mention mid-August no tent, no chairs.
Bitterness is like a tumor. It is there and you may or may not know about it. But once it's there, it spreads like crazy and grows and grows. For me just typing the words brought peace. Then sending the letter was another step. My heart was again lightened. Is all the bitterness gone? No, but I am a work in progress. I am seeking peace. It's a journey. I have to forgive this person, just as God forgives me for my bitterness.
"seek peace and pursue it..." 1 Peter 3:11